My mom and little 5 year old sister, Holly came to visit me that week, which was awesome because they were just what I needed to feel like I was going back to my real, old life again. We had a little get together with good friends who were there to celebrate my release with me. My mom made us amazing Cambodian food, which I had missed so much (I also missed eating in general). They surprised me by inviting Cambry (my amazing idol, who has now been wheeling around for 4 years). I felt so loved.
We had a few outings like going to see my friends, Aja's rugby game and Stephanie's ice skating show. It was so cool. I had missed the outdoors so much. It was so filled with color, green grass, blue skies, clear rain - everything beat staying in the hospital. And I just loved being with these people.
After the cruise, life shifted a bit more and reality hit. It was a rough transition and I felt like I was failing at it. Everyone had gone back to their normal routines - work, school, etc. and I was left at home alone. I struggled so much to do things myself and felt like a little child that always needed help. I needed help getting dressed and putting my turtle shell on. I needed help bathing. I kept falling while transferring from my chair onto places. I kept getting sick because of different medications. It was just plain difficult and I began to get depressed and tired of it all. I reverted to old questions I had in the hospital, Why do I have to go through this? Does my Heavenly Father listen to my prayers? Does He even care about me? I wondered how I was to get through all of this.
The answer came in getting to work at the MATC cafeteria. There, a plank was set up for me that elevated me to the height of the register. I helped customers and got to talk to them about their day. I kept busy with getting whatever I could ready for the day. I found that having something productive to do besides the scrapbooking I was doing before, helped me feel like I was making a difference. The interaction I had with other people allowed me stay positive for them and myself. I knew that it wasn't good to bring around negative energy with me all the time, so I had to switch my thoughts to look for positive things. With that, I was able to count the little blessing each day and use those to carry me through things that were difficult. I felt more inclined to try new methods that would work and make my life a little easier.
I feel that these difficulties are some of that bitterness my doctor told me about. And the blessings I've learned to count are those moments of sweetness. I hope and pray with all my heart that this will get easier. I have faith that it will and that Heavenly Father will provide me with the strength I need to see it through.