Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I haven't been able to keep down ANY of the food I'm eating, despite lots of encouragement and bribes to eat more.  Honestly, nothing sounds remotely good, not even my favorite foods like they normally do like OJ, Special K berry cereal, yogurt, or even steak, rice, and veggies!!!  Everything I eat comes up… making everything less appetizing, even to think about it. It's so very frustrating and I feel miserable all over when it gets icky. It's even worst when it happens in front of my friends. I feel bad that they have to witness that stuff, but I'm sure they must be feeling bad for me. It's just not a pretty sight, is it? Here we have this 80 lb. girl, bags under her eyes, messy hair, with my boyfriend's baggy pi's on, barfing up a storm. blah! I don't feel like a vivacious, energetic Martina anymore. It's pretty rough.

Test after test, doctors finally determined that I have Pancreatis, where my pancreas is inflamed from the extreme trauma it has experienced along with the rest of my body. I looked it up on PubMed, which is just as confusing as when my doctor was explaining to me, but here it is, "The pancreas is a gland located behind the stomach. It releases the hormones insulin and glucagon, as well as digestive enzymes that help you digest and absorb food."It turns out that the pancreas does a lot more than being the little lump in my body as I once thought it was.

So do you know what all of this talk about pancreatitis means? Yes, you guessed it...nose feeding. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? It's where a tube in stuck through my nose and goes past my pancreas to my stomach, which will give my poor baby pancreas some much needed rest. I am being fed a yellow liquid from a pouch that is hooked up to something like an IV stand. It sits right next to my bed. I am hooked up to it all day everyday.  It even goes to physical therapy together, and because we endure that hardship together, I think we're developing a bond. However, it irritates me at times like when it runs out and makes a really, really loud beeping noise until a nurse comes into switch it out, which may take a really, really long time. Hardships build up relationships, right?

Overall, pancreatitis has been really rough. Just when I was really feeling better and just looking forward to leaving my dull, grey hospital room for home, I get to stay indefinitely longer.  I REALLY want to get better soon...I'm having trouble keeping my faith up because of this roadblock, but I'm trying. I feel so utterly miserable. I'm so ready to leave all of these monitors, tubes, blood samples, shots, blah, blah, blah behind and get some fresh air. Yes, fresh air is long over due. I need to move one already and go do things with my life. I know I'm complaining way too much, but I really can't wait to get better. Each day, I lay in bed feeling week, throat hurting, stomach pained, and spirits low. I don't see a point in this part of the process. I wonder if my Heavenly Father planned for this pancreatitis along with the accident or if it's something that comes with the territory? If so, why? It's really unnecessary. Not only am I feeling terrible, but I don't know when it's going to end and that causes extra stress because it's also incurring tons more hospital debt each day that I really can't pay for. Uh…let's not go into the hospital bills. It's way above my head and giving me a headache just thinking about it. Nonetheless, I have faith that He has a plan for me and that all of this will be over soon. Grey skies will turn to rainbows soon enough, I hope. In the meantime, I'm thankful for the family and friends who still continue to visit me even though each visit is so spontaneous and they never know what's going to happen with me. Sorry and thanks, guys.

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